Album Review: In Flames – Battles (2016)

29 Dec


I’ve been meaning to review this album ever since it came out back in November. So here it is, better late than never.

Many bands go through stylistic changes. It is natural. You can’t necessarily expect someone in their 40s to be the same person that they were in their 20s and therefore musical preferences change. We’ve seen Opeth go from Death Metal pioneers to Prog Rock kings, whilst still showing their focus remains on their music.

Then we come to In Flames. To say that Battles is polarizing would be a massive understatement. For over 26 years In Flames have been one of death metal’s pioneering bands, heavily involved in shaping the iconic Gothenburg sound we know and love today. Their discography is a melodic death tour de force. In some respects it is difficult to believe that todays In Flames is even the same band.

“Drained” opens up Battles on a strong note with a lot of aggression towards the beginning riffs. It comes across as a continuation of Sounds of a Playground Fading (2011). Vocalist Anders Friden belts out his screamy lines and instrumentally the song is tight. It sets the tone for what is to come – intricate tight riffing, harsh and clean vocals and big choruses. Lead single “The End” has an infectious groove. Through the guitar tones, the leads and the riffs, the song hints heavily towards the bands earlier days. The guitar solo is a definite flashback to their past, albeit encompassed by the more modern, accessible framework that it has around it. There has been a lot of debate about Friden’s vocals and on “The End” he sounds as caustic as ever.

“Like Sand” features your standard In Flames bouncy groove and has a reasonable chorus, but the song itself feels average compared to the standouts on the record. It doesn’t help that it is sandwiched between “The End” and next song “The Truth” – a song that introduces, what seems to be, a children’s choir to enhance the anthemic chorus. I know a lot of people have been put off by the “gang shout” that is the choir, but I like it, it fits the song and when you add in the old-school lead guitar work, you’ve got a really cool track.

“In My Room” starts off as another average sounding song before the chorus hits. It has just enough about it to keep it interesting. Just. The twin guitar work piqued my interest though and it is something that In Flames can just tap into and do no wrong. For me, it’s the verses that ruin this. Delayed riff and bouncy electronic bass kick off “Before I Fall” which features intricate, precise riffing throughout, as well as an absolute scorcher of a guitar lead! As with everything on Battles the chorus is catchy as hell and gets in your head.

We’ve already touched on the fact that there are moments throughout this album that manage to blend the past with the modern tendencies and none of these are more satisfying than on “Through My Eyes” with its shredded riffs and double bass drumming during the verses that meld into the memorable chorus melody. In some ways this track is reminiscent of their Swedish compatriots Soilwork. My one gripe with the track though is that wah-wah solo seems to be turned up WAY TOO LOUD. Seems like someone is screwing with my volume knob. It takes me out of the song completely, which is a shame.

Possibly the biggest chorus on the album is saved for the title song “Battles” – coming in at 2 minutes 58 seconds, it is the shortest on the album and features some fairly heavy riffing also. “Here Until Forever” has a bit of an emo vibe. I hear 30 Seconds To Mars or My Chemical Romance in this. The jazzy drums are a nice touch and sets it apart from what has come before it. The song does have a power to it and whilst I found it to be fairly memorable and I did enjoy it, I can see that haters gonna hate.

“Underneath My Skin” ramps up the aggression and power once more. Heavy riffs and impassioned vocals from Friden but is a song that could’ve easily been left off the record. “Wallflower” offers up something completely different from the rest of the album. It is a mean and moody slow burner that is initially dominated by the bass guitar of Peter Iwers (playing on his last In Flames album). It is a song that is given room to breathe and builds ominously, playfully toying with doom influences and creates an eerie atmosphere as it does. There are touches of Depeche Mode/Nine Inch Nails when the song gets Gothic-sounding and electronic darkwave in tone. The chorus is sprawling that ups the tempo and, as with all the choruses on Battles,  ramps up the melody before the minimalism returns along with its claustrophobic atmospherics. New drummer Joe Rickard does a great job on the record as a replacement for long-time member Daniel Svensson, and here he plays more in the pocket, allowing his fills to be more tasty than explosive. The dynamics on “Wallflower” are showcased wonderfully. A definite highlight on Battles for sure.

The album closes with “Save Me” which once again mixes in the old and the new. The power in Anders Friden vocals on this song really does shine through. There are classic sounding lead guitar lines that hark back to the older In Flames whilst the chorus (yeah its catchy! surprised?) has more of a modern mainstream metal approach, but comes together in a powerful way and is a great way to close the album out.

So for all the hate that Battles has been getting, is it a bad album? No! If you are looking for a return to say, Whoracle (1997) then you will be disappointed, but if you’ve followed the band album to album, you’ll see this natural progression and you’ll probably embrace it.

It’s a record that represents where In Flames are in 2016. They have naturally moved towards a cleaner sound and whilst old-school fans may feel alienated, Battles is a solid record that showcases the sound of In Flames 26 years after they exploded onto the scene.






Album Review: Eden’s Curse – Cardinal (2016)

28 Nov


Okay, okay, I’ll admit it. I’ve been slow in getting to the party that is Eden’s Curse. A very good friend recommended them and I’ve finally gotten around to taking a listen. So, first off, who are they? Formed in 2006, they have released five studio albums and one double live album. They have had a few line-up changes but the band currently consists of long-time members Paul Logue (Bass) and Thorsten Koehne (Guitars) alongside Nikola Mijic (Vocals), John Clelland (Drums) & Christian Pulkkinen (Keyboards).

They’ve released a new album in October called Cardinal which marks the first time Clelland and Pulkkinen appear on an Eden’s Curse studio album. Let’s check it out.

“Prophets of Doom” starts us off, full of pomp and polished writing which buries itself into your brain and has, my favourite, a catchy chorus! After a short intro build up the song kicks into gear with its double bass attack and crunchy riffing, add to that the hook-laden vocals and layered keyboards and it’s a strong start to what I found to be a fantastic album. It’s Eden’s Curse signalling their intent from the off, and how cool is “Prophets of Doom” as a title in the first place?

“Sell Your Soul” is the first single and is amongst the albums highlights for sure. It is an uplifting track, very upbeat. Strong keyboards and superb guitar playing throughout with lots of melodic hooks and again a really slick AOR polish. It has an 80s Journey sound to it and there is some deep sexy bass going on thanks to Mr Paul Logue. Mid-way through though it changes into a slightly slower direction and the dual solos of guitars and keyboards take the song into a powerful conclusion.

“The Great Pretender” continues in the same vein: catchy hooks galore and has a Bon Jovi feel about it. The track starts off with colossal riffs and has this massive instrumental intro. There are Symphonic Metal elements at play here. Vocalist Nikola Mijic possesses some epic pipes and this song gives him a chance to show off his outstanding range and the guitar work of Thorsten Koehne showcases what he can do also. “Messiah Complex” comes in a bit harder than the previous tracks with a cool riff and Mijic’s vocals containing more of an edge, before once again breaking out his upper range with vocals that remind me of DragonForce. Another song and another catchy chorus. There is an energy throughout as the song builds up the momentum. Possibly the albums heaviest song overall and it features another cracking solo.

“Find My Way” sees Eden’s Curse slow it down with a ballad. As you’d expect, the music is very powerful and grandiose and the song, epic. We’re in full Journey/AOR Power Ballad mode here with the Symphonic/Hard Rock edge. Whilst I can see why some people wouldn’t enjoy this song, I am quite partial to belting out power ballads now and then and this fit right into that for me. This track has it all really, cheesy keyboards, subtle piano, huge rhythms, Orchestral strings, passionate vocals and crushing guitars. An anthemic tour de force. Get those hands in the air.

Oh sorry, my playlist skipped to the Chili Peppers…oh no wait, this funk slap bass is “Kingdom of Solitude” – my mistake! Another piece of brilliance from Logue. It’s a bit of a stylistic change from all that comes before but it quickly settles back into full on rock territory with a killer riff. There is aggression mixed with some electronic elements. The band wanted to get a bit more heavy and technical on Cardinal and this is a song that I think showcases that for sure. “Utopian Dreams” starts off with some glorious lead keyboard riffery with its Symphony X/Dream Theater stylings. This is a song on speed. There is such a manic, hyper intensity about it, like they had one take and 5 minutes to nail it and they just blew through it. Power Metal levels turned to 100 on this one.

On first listen “This Is Our Moment” seemed to lack something to me and this is probably down to the fact that it has to follow the bonkers, ADHD affected track “Utopian Dreams” BUT that’s not to say that the song is bad, because its not. It rocks hard, it has fantastic keyboard and guitar work throughout and once again Nikola’s vocals are spot on. On subsequent listens it actually grabbed me the way it should have first time. It is an uplifting song and I would recommend it. I would advise that if you feel it lacks something on your first listen, to not fully dismiss it. “Rome’s on Fire” continues in the same vein with its Hard Rock/AOR sound and soaring chorus. I really enjoyed this track, it bounces around and the band are on point here. The galloping double bass drumming throughout gives it that extra punch and it’s very hard not to be singing along by the end of the song.

On “Unconditional” the band collaborate with ex-Leaves Eyes vocalist Liv Kristine. This is a classic 80s rock ballad right here and very radio friendly. The way Mijic’s and Kristine’s vocals weave around each other works really well. The contrast between the two is just superb.  It is slow and mellow and features a gorgeous bluesy rock solo in the middle before shifting gears into more of a shred whilst still retaining the melody. It’s sugary, it’s sweet but it’s certainly not bad for you. Again, if you have a penchant for the old power ballad, then you will enjoy this. However, if you pressed skip, you’ll be taken instantly to “Saints & Sinners” which goes back into double bass drums, monstrous riffing and takes us back into Power Metal territory.

“Jericho” closes the album out and at 7 minutes 50 seconds is the albums longest track. The song is based on the Biblical tale of the battle of Jericho. The keyboard and guitar work on display here is out of this world. Koehne and Christian Pulkkinen on top form here, as they are throughout the entirety of Cardinal to be fair. There is a long instrumental section, epic lyrics that outline the entire battle itself and the song musically shifts dynamics taking in multiple styles. One word. Epic. Actually two words! Epic Greatness!!

Going in, I hadn’t heard any previous material from Eden’s Curse other than “Sell Your Soul” but coming out of Cardinal I will be checking out everything and hope to catch them live very soon. If you like your bands with a bit of Power Metal, a dash of Symphonic Metal, a pinch of Hard Rock and a sprinkle of AOR then Eden’s Curse will be the band for you. Heavy instrumentation with soaring, powerful vocals singing catchy melodies. What more could you want?

More hooks than a pirate convention, catchier than a bout of crabs. You need Cardinal and Eden’s Curse in your life!


Album Review: Metallica – Hardwired… To Self-Destruct (2016)

18 Nov


It has been eight years since Metallica released Death Magnetic, an album that was heavily criticised for it’s brick-walled production and lack of dynamic range, but saw the band try to relive their Master of Puppets heyday. Eight years! This makes Hardwired… one of 2016s most anticipated releases, if not THE most (unless Tool put something out in the next month…).

Opening track “Hardwired” was the first single released and harks back to the good old days of machine-gun drumming, barked vocals and thrash riffs. The refrain of “we’re so fucked, shit outta luck, hardwired to self destruct” resonates much deeper post-US Election. Not that it was the intention of course. Funny how life imitates art sometimes.

“Atlas, Rise!” continues the thrash onslaught. James’ right hand palm-muted chugging in full force (seriously, Hetfield must have THE best picking hand. He’s so fast and precise). Kirk Hammett’s wah-wah solo serves the song well and overall it has a NWOBHM, Iron Maiden feel to it. “Now That We’re Dead” slows things down slightly and I’ve heard some people criticise this particular track but it’s not too bad at all. I think the song as a whole could’ve been slightly shorter and I could hear “Enter Sandman” in places but overall I liked it. They groove very well on the doomy “Dream No More” which sees them using lyrics once again inspired by H.P.  Lovecraft’s Cthulu mythos (first time on a Metallica record since 1984’s Ride The Lightning) The song itself is a slow-burning, Sabbath-esque number.

The first half of the album (this is a double disc) wraps up with the awesomely epic “Halo on Fire” which treads the line between straight up Hard Rock and intense Metal. The way the track culminates with Kirks leads was an adrenaline rush for me. I couldn’t help but move to it. Kirk didn’t contribute to the song-writing on this album which marks the first time ever that that has happened. However, his presence is still felt throughout with his creative lead guitar work.

The second disc is longer than the first and kicks off with “Confusion” – a mid-tempo number chock full of great riffs and once again, killer work from Hammett. The song itself is written from the perspective of a soldier with PTSD. “ManUNkind” is a sort of ‘Hard Blues’ song that starts off with Rob Trujillo’s bass in the forefront (he received a co-writing credit for this one) and an odd sort of clean, bluesy, guitar part before it shift gears into the familiar Metallica ‘scooped’ crunch sound and Papa Hets trademark aggressive bark. This is another song I’ve seen get criticised and whilst at times it does come across as a few different ideas just slapped together, it didn’t annoy me but I do think that perhaps they could be guilty here of overthinking. Some of the time changes feel a bit strange to me too.

“Here Comes Revenge” is another song that has a bit of “Enter Sandman” about it but this may be the portion of the album where it drags on a bit for me. There is a blistering guitar solo and the chorus has enough about it for me to get into it, but the verses are where it gets bogged down  – almost ballad like with Hetfield’s crooning. However, that said, on repeated listen this song did grow on me. “Am I Savage?” is another plodding paced doom track that Metallica like to do, but whereas something like “The Thing That Should Not Be” or “Sad, But True” goes somewhere and gives you that payoff, “Am I Savage?” never really does. It does, however contain a great solo. So bonus points for that.

“Murder One” is a tribute to the late, great, legendary Lemmy Kilmister. I get that Motorhead was very influential on Metallica but to take a bunch of song titles and Lemmy’s lyrics just doesn’t work, and it comes off as really cheesy. I think this approach could’ve been better if they played it double time and would be more favourable had it been a straight Motorhead clone.

The album closes with the best song on the second disc by far, “Spit Out The Bone”. We’re back in Thrash country for this one. This is fierce, fast and brutal. There are subtle nods throughout the song to every part of their career. Blast beats and thunderous drumming from Lars and for all the aggression and violence, it is precise and melodic. The pace of the track shifts naturally and allows for some truly quality moments, such as Rob Trujillo channelling the man himself, Lemmy, with a, sadly, too brief distorted bass solo.

At 77 minutes 29 seconds this is a lengthy album, but for the most part it flew by for me. The first disc is the better of the two, as songs like “Murder One” and “Am I Savage?” do bring the pace and momentum down. However, even if you class those songs as missteps, this is still a solid album chock full of great songs and riffs.

I can’t fault Metallica here though. They have released a fantastic album and with the length that it is, you’re always going to have the odd lull. Each member is in cracking form and either Lars has been practicing or there was some studio wizardry at play. Recommended listening no doubt. Hardwired… is not Metallica resting on their laurels, this is Metallica screaming at the top of their lungs “We are still here, and we’re not going anywhere”




Album Review: Astral Path – Ashes Dancer (2016)

15 Nov


Astral Path are a Post Death Metal band from Italy (not to be confused with the black metal band of the same name from Canada) and consist of Eugene Yu (vocals), Gabriele Papagni (lead guitars), Simone Catania (rhythm guitars), Jasmine Ljuba Canti (bass), Leonardo Santini (keyboards) and Francesco La Porta (drums). Ashes Dancer is their debut album.

We start off with the instrumental “Journey”, a two minute, dark piece with some chilling atmospherics and what I felt was an almost horror movie feel to it. A discordant soundscape. “Blinded” is the longest song on the record at 7 minutes 29 seconds and instantly kicks off with a cool guitar riff. There is a big energy with this track, lots of double bass, crunchy riffs and excellent vocals. Really enjoyed the riff and the Opeth vibe that the song gives off. There is a definite hint of the Gothenburg melo-death sound here, as well as throughout the album as a whole.

Up next is track three “B.L.C” and, speaking of the Gothenburg sound, here comes a song that is parts Dark Tranquillity, parts Opeth and parts At The Gates. The death vocals are unforgiving, the cleans are full with an excellent tone. The guitar riffage is raw and aggressive. “Prelude” is track four and it’s another atmospheric instrumental (1 minute long) containing harmonics and, what sounds like, behind the nut picking. As the title suggests it acts as a prelude to “Ashes Dancer” which starts where “Prelude” finishes off and sounds like something Tool should be singing. Eugene transitions between growls and clean singing with ease. The bass and drums keep a thunderous groove as the songs moves up the gears and we have, I believe, our first guitar solo. Very tasteful and melodic and serves the song well.

“Drag Me Down” is possibly the strongest song on the record and it’s more of same At The Gates style riffing and thrashy/melo-death sound, before it slows down into clean electrics and more of Eugenes fantastic vocals. He is channelling his inner Mikael Akerfeldt on this one and we get another cool, melodic guitar solo from Gabriele. The record finishes up with “Silent Whispers” and “Oblivion” – the former offering up more of the same that has come before, switching between frenetic riffing and slowed down, clean passages as well another really tasteful solo. This is something that the album, overall, lacks for me. Solos! When they are played, they are played really well. As I said, always tasteful, always melodic and serves the songs. I would have liked more throughout. “Oblivion” is another song that starts out like a Tool song with it’s Eastern flavours before an awesome riff kicks in.

Overall this is a well produced, solid album that is worth checking out. The band are clearly influenced by the likes of Opeth, Between The Buried And Me, At The Gates, Arch Enemy and bands that define the Gothenburg sound. There is plenty of talent on display and hopefully this will enable them to develop their sound even more on future releases.

If you like Swedish Melodic Death then you will no doubt find something to enjoy with Ashes Dancer. As I mentioned previously, my only negative would be that I would have liked to have heard more solos but that is just a personal preference.

Official Astral Path Facebook




EP Review: Tallisker – Heliotrop (2016)

14 Nov


Tallisker is a new, Paris based project helmed by electronic artist Eléonore Melisande . Melisande is a classically-trained cellist and creates music that fuses Baroque influences with Scandinavian folk and modern techno. She won the Inrocks Lab Award (2014) and the Booster Award (2015) and now she releases her second EP, Heliotrop this month.

Heliotrop provides me with the very first opportunity to listen to Tallisker and going in, I didn’t know what to truly expect. What I got was five tracks (I’m not counting the two remixes) of chilled out electronic music that mixed Victorian styles with trap aesthetics. The major force behind her work seems to be that of movement, expansion, drama and tension which are very much part of the Baroque aesthetic.

Airy, evocative Bjork style vocals ring out over lush soundscapes and luxurious textures. There is a haunting vibe throughout and at times, especially during “Cirrus” I felt a John Frusciante influence, most notably his To Record Only Water For Ten Days album.

There are definite hints of Bjork in the more introspective sections and when the epic, soaring strings and brass sections come in, there are elements of Sigur Rós and Massive Attack. There are filthy sub-bass lines going on here too which brings out the trap and rave side to Talliskers music.

In her words: “Most of the tracks were written in Glasgow, Summer 2015, while listening to a lot of classical music, mainly Baroque & Romantic-era masterpieces, plus techno and  trap music! It was my purpose to explore these extreme genres, from the most traditional to the most recent forms of music to accelerate the genesis of something hybrid and awkward. Heliotrop is also a manifest.”

Overall this is a good EP. As I said, I didn’t know what to expect going in but have given it a couple of spins and I have to say that it is a very well produced, put together record and one that is well worth checking out. For fans of the aforementioned Bjork and Sigur Rós.




Album Review: Testament – Brotherhood of the Snake (2016)

11 Nov


Brotherhood of the Snake is the latest album from Thrash Godfathers, Testament. How crazy is it to think that 2016 has seen some stellar releases from the likes of Anthrax, Death Angel and Megadeth, all of which were part of that first wave of Thrash Metal way back in the 80s.

Testament have been in good form of late with The Formation of Damnation (2008) and Dark Roots of Earth (2012) being two stunning albums (for me at least). Maybe they had been rejuvenated with the return of original lead guitarist, Alex Skolnick, but whatever the reasons, Testament have been on fire for the past 8 years and Brotherhood of the Snake is no different.

Kicking off the album is the title track and it gives the listener a good indication of what is to follow for the next 45 minutes 27 seconds. Chuck Billy is in superb form, roaring and bellowing each line with gusto. There are blast-beats, a blistering thrash riff and a mid-point melodic segment a la Iron Maiden before dual guitar leads close us out. Next up is “The Pale King” and it starts off in similar thrash territory before settling into a mid-paced groove with Chuck once again delivering 100% – commanding, powerful and memorable.

Track three is the second single released from the album – “Stronghold”. This has been designed to be a mosh pit anthem. How awesome would it be to hear “Up Rise, Stronghold!” bellowed out in unison in a live setting? With it’s battering-ram-esque thrash/groove riffing, it sets about recreating the primal atmosphere of 1999s The Gathering. “Seven Seals” is pretty much a straight up retelling of The Battle of Armageddon from the books of Revelation, Yep, that’s right. Christ riding on his white horse defeating Satan! It’s a dark, mid-tempo song and it grooves so well. Found myself really enjoying this one immensely. “Born in a Rut” closes out the first half of the record and much like “Seven Seals” it’s mid-paced and more melodic with an anthemic chorus. In some ways these couple of tracks are the catchiest on the album.

“Centuries of Suffering” gets the second half of the record off to a wicked thrash start with drummer, “The Atomic Clock” Gene Hoglan taking the song into grind territory on occasion. “Black Jack” is a fast, tremolo-picking, double-bass assault with a Motorhead/Metallica influence all over the vocals. Someone likened this song to Emperor attempting to record a thrash record and I can definitely hear what they meant by that statement. Despite the album being a concept album, “Black Jack” veers away from that with its Las Vegas themed lyrics.

“Neptune’s Spear” and “Canna-Business” continue with the blistering pace and the album closes out with “The Number Game”, where the band unleash their technical fury into the realms of death metal. It is one of the heaviest songs on the entire record (that’s saying something). There is a sense of manic about this song and it leads to a spectacular, thrashing finale where guitarists Alex Skolnick and Eric Peterson march their guitar solos alongside Hoglan’s procession drumming.

Each member of Testament are on fire here. Gene Hoglan maintains his reputation as the “Human Drum Machine” as his, very, high speed blasts, fills and seemingly effortless tempo changes kick the already high adrenalin levels into overdrive. Returning bassist, Steve DiGiorgio is right there with him and the pair elevate Testament, and force the already elite thrash act to raise its game even higher. Chuck Billy, as I’ve already mentioned, is superb throughout the entire record. The guitar duo of Skolnick and Peterson, though, has to be one of the best in the business. There are memorable riffs, the odd moment of showboating (naturally), dual harmonies and blazing leads ranging from neoclassical shredding to bluesy passages.

I’ve had this album on repeat quite a bit since its release. It’s an absolute beast of an album from start to finish. If you are into Thrash then there is no reason why you shouldn’t enjoy this album. Testament have managed to keep a foot in the past, acknowledging a few of their previous albums, whilst simultaneously pushing themselves forward. This is in part to some tremendous songwriting and the dexterity of Hoglan and DiGiorgio.

Brotherhood of the Snake crushes like a Boa Constrictor, and once you’ve been bitten, the only antidote is to play it loud and play it often



Addressing the Black Dog in the room..

7 Nov


Growing up I had three pet dogs. Two of which were black. One, a Labrador, and the other, some hairy mass of fur. As pets do, they grow old and eventually die. You grieve, you move on and sometimes you replace them. So now I have another black dog and he’s been with me for as long as I can remember. However, unlike the previous ones, this one hasn’t grown older and doesn’t look like dying anytime soon. He’s an odd pet. I would liken him, on some level, to a cat. He leaves the house for weeks at a time asserting his independence, and every now and then, skulks back into the house to be fed and make himself comfortable. You know the scene right? Has a sniff, walks around in a circle for what seems like an age, and then settles down. But this isn’t any ordinary dog. The floor he settles on isn’t a piece of carpet in front of the fire. He’s not chowing down on Pedigree Chum (other dog food brands are available). His floor is my brain and his food is my thoughts and, on occasion, he is ravenous.

Depression is a horrible illness to suffer from. It is not something that you can necessarily see and it is very easy for others, who do not suffer, to shrug it off. How many times have you heard someone tell you to “snap out of it”? Oh shit, I didn’t think of it that way. Holy fuck! You’ve cured me. Praise Jesus! (other deities are available).

I can’t speak for others, so I’ll speak for myself. I can go for weeks at a time with no issues whatsoever. When it hits, it can last for a day, a couple of days and sometimes over a week. It fluctuates. I have been in the deepest, darkest, depths of despair and, alliteration aside, it has been some of the worst periods of my life. Suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, overdoses, no energy, no desire to leave the house, let alone leave the bed, no sexual appetite, simply no appetite. I don’t keep score but I’ve lost count of the single days where I’ve been on an absolute high only to sink into a deep depression seemingly out of nowhere.

What triggers it? Who knows? It could be some sort of massive disappointment that I’ve experienced at that particular moment, it could even be me being super sensitive to a passing comment (sensitive soul that I am!). In a perverse way I don’t want to control this with pills, even though the one time I took antidepressants it seemed to balance me out, until I stopped taking them because I felt fine. Perverse because the musician in me finds that the devastation leads to writing great things. So why would I want to take that away? I know that I will be ok in a couple of days, so let’s just let it pass right?

What does it feel like? Depends on what has triggered it I guess. I read an article at the beginning of the year that seemed to sum it up pretty well. It triggered a song, Oblivion. In it I sing that it feels like a ten on a scale of one to five. I sing that it feels like being trapped in a block of ice, or trapped behind a sheet of ice. I sing that when you’re trying to survive and the pain swells up inside, the hardest thing to do right now is to stay alive.

Sometimes it feels like a huge weight pushing down on me. It makes my chest feel tight and numb and my legs heavy. There are times when my brain just switches off and I can’t even string a coherent sentence together. Other times I can’t switch my brain off at all. Most of all, it’s an overwhelming sense of not being able to do anything. Lots and lots of negativity – feelings and thoughts.

I push people away. I don’t mean to. Hell, I don’t even think that I want to, but I do. When I feel like this I tend to want to be left on my own. Last Christmas / New Year was a pretty awful time and I spent the entire “festive” (ironic wording) period on my own, wallowing in my own depression. Then you get that angry stage where you think people don’t care or give a shit and unfortunately, for the most part, you’re right! They don’t! I’ve had some lovely messages of support during these times but these same people are never there when things are going good. So why be there when things are bad? I appreciate it yeah, and I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but the cynical prick that I am has to question “why?”

I’m a passionate person and I do tend to show my emotions so you should know when I am truly happy or when I am hiding something. So when you talk to me and notice that I’m such a happy person (for the most part) just know that like anyone with depression there is a lot more going on behind the smile than what it initially may seem.